I'm tired!

I'm tired physically.
I'm tired emotionally.
I'm tired spiritually.
I'm just tired!

I don't know how, or why, but I've just lost my energy. School, work, school, work, work, work, church. That is what I spend my time doing. It just seems never ending. April is not coming soon enough!

untitled...march 17, 2005

Here I am again
Talking to myself
Telling me I'm flawed
Telling me to change
All the things I'm not
Are what I want to be

Standing on quick sand
No way to escape
There is no hope
No one to see the sadness in my eyes
No one to read the blue between the lines
No one to hold me when I cry

Underneath this mask
I'm hiding who I am

1 Timothy 4:13-17

I was reading through 1 Timothy today and came accross these few verses and it really hit me hard since the past few days I've been worried about a alot of stuff...so here it is:

1Timothy 4:13-17
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. In stead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."

1 Peter 5:7......

I cast all my cares upon you
I lay all of my burdens
Down at your feet
And anytime
I don't know
What to do
I'll just
Cast all my cares upon you

I love my family!

Let me just say how much I thank God for my family. I thank him for two loving parents, two amazing sisters and two brother-in-laws who are the brothers i wish i had growing up. I am so blessed yet somedays I take them for granted.

For those of you who don't know me that well. I live with my sister Julie and my brother-in-law Mike, and my 2 year old nefew Noah. For some people living with or "mooching off of" family is not a good thing. But I absolutely love my family, and I don't know what I would do without them.

Tonight, I saw a different side of Mike. Well I've seen a glimpse of this side before but not as much as tonight. I went upstairs to their room to tell them I wasn't feeling well and ended up staying there sitting on the bed for like an hour just talking. Talking about things I'm struggling with and how they can help me with it. It just made me realize just how much I'm loved and how much God has blessed me with the people in my life. So..as I was saying...Mike isn't really a "serious talk" kindof guy...he's very goofy and jokes around alot. But just the way he listened to me, and the way he gave me advice, the way a big brother does....meant alot to me.


Thank you Lord for blessing me with such an incredible family.

If you wanna hear God laugh, just tell him you have plans!

I was talking to an old friend last night who I haven't talked to in a really long time, and I was reminded of how we have plans for our lives but God has bigger things in mind. This particular friend and I had planned our whole futures ahead of us, but things didn't work out the way we planned. Talking with that person really meade the fact sink in that I really do need to trust God with every aspect of my future. Becuase what I have in mind may not be the best thing for me. I thank God for my friendship with this person, even though we're not as close as we used to be. The good times we had, I don't think I'll ever forget. But God has bigger plans for both of us, whether our paths cross again or not.

Jesus Will Still Be There

Things change, plans fail
You look for love on a greater scale
Storms rise, hopes fade
And you place your bets on anohter day
When the going gets tough, when the ride's too rough
When you're just not sure enough
Jesus will still be there
His love will never change, sure as a steady rain
Jesus will still be there

When no one else is true, He'll still be loving you
When it looks like you've lost it all
And you haven't got a prayer
Jesus will still be there
Time flies, hearts turn
A little bit wiser from lessons learned
But sometimes weakness wins
And you lose your foothold once again
When the going gets tough, when the ride's too rough
When you're just not sure enough

Love Song

I could reach but I'd never touch the bottom
It's like a road, road that has no end
I could climb but i'd never see how high You really are
You are everything, You're all I'll ever need

I will sing you a love song
Just to tell You how
You have changed me now and forever I will bless your name
I can't count the ways
You've shined Your light in the dark till it was gone
I will sing you a love song

I've known tears, tears of separation
When my heart was broken down in two
Where part of me was lost and so confused
But the love You gave led me to the truth

With my heart
With my soul
With my strength
With my mind
With my life

I will sing you a love song

Redemption

Four A.M., two hours ago
I'm wearing out a lonely glow.
I miss you more than I could know.
Here I am, here I am,
won't you get me?

I've got my hand in redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine.
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive.

With my fists down at your feet
I was running out of mysteries
Insecure and incomplete, here I am, here I am,
won't you get me?

My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me, worn me.

humbling indeed

SO, I could say that today was the worst day ever but....I did learn something.

I got a ride to church this morning which was great, and usually I take the bus half way home afterwards and then i get picked up. Well today, since I wasn't going to be picked up I was planning on taking the bus home the whole way. When I got to the half way mark (kennedy and steeles for those fo you who know toronto) i went to the marham transit bus stop, checked the schedule, and to my surprise NO SERVICE ON SUNDAY!!! So I stood there for a minute, tyring to think of a way to solve my problem. I crossed the street to a gas station with a pay phone and called hom to see if anyone was there..no answer...i called my sister's cell phone...no answer...so i called my mom collect who really couldn't do anything for me cause she's in Newfoundland. Then my mom called my brother in law's parents who live in markham...no answer. so i decided to try a differnt bus route. I jumped back on the bus and went a different way....STILL NO SERVICE!!!! See I would have a taken a taxi but I literally was penniless except for the loonie that i spent on a chocolate bar at the gas station for my lunch. I had enough bus tickets to get back to kennedy and steeles so i went back. Standing in the cold, with no money, no phone, no ride, basically just a coat, no hat no mittens, but i did have a sock that i put on one hand. (the sock was in my purse, a friend returned it) Guess what I did? I cried! Yep...that's what I do best when i'm in a sticky situation. After I calmed myself down, I decided to walk, it couldn't be that far. So i was walking along in the slush, in high heels! And I came accross a pizza pizza, i didn't have any oney but i went in there to get warm, but it was torture, the yummy smell of pizza filled my lungs, and taunted me, so i left and kept walking. I came to another gas station and called my mom again to let her know my progress, got warm and then kept on walking. After walking for 2 hours and 45 minutes I finally got home and colapsed at the front door. See it does kindof sound like the worst day ever....but what I learned is what it's like to have nothing, nothing but the clothes on your back and a few dollars. I jsut thank God that I did get home, safe. I also learned that if I hadn't spent most of my last paycheck on stupid clothes I would ahve had enough money for a taxi home, and for somehting substantial to eat.

Thank you God for teaching me a good lesson!

Forgiven in full

When Satan tempts me to despair
and tells me of the guilt within,
upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Saviour died,
my sinful soul is counted free;
For God, the just, is satisfied
to look on Him and pardon me.

RANT!!!!!

I've noticed that a common topic among my friends lately is dating/courting, love, marriage...the whole bit! The whole motion of it consumes our brains to the point where we can't focus on more important things....like..ahem....GOD! I was having a chat with a good friend lastnight about it and one thing that she said which stuck out was, We spend so much time thinking and worrying about relationships that God just get's pushed aside. And it's so true. I can think of so many times where I've let my thoughts about relationships take over, and I've tried to do everything my way, and pushed God out. Why do we do that? Because we're impatient, and we think that we know what's best for us. And we think that God needs help form us to pick "the one". But the truth is....HE DOESN'T NEED OUR HELP! We need to sit back, trust him, and let him wow us with his amazing plans. Is this easy to do? Not at all. God doesn't expect us to be perfect, we're human and we were born into a word of sin, but the least we can do is strive for perfection! As hard as it may be, we need to work towards being satisfied with who we are in Christ, and know that even if we don't get married one day, we'll be ok, because we have the love of Christ Jesus, which is the greatest love of all.

To be honest, I struggle with this everyday, and I know so many other people who do as well. But I think as young Christians we need to help keep eachother accountable. We are still so young, and God is doing so much in our lives, but he so often gets pushed out because we involve ourselves in realtionships that are not centred around him. I have so much respect for young couples that do have Christ in the centre of their relationship. That's what we need to strive for. Why do we date then? Because our hormones tell us we want to? Or are we all looking for "the one"?

I made an observation lastnight at TDI, what is it with guys and girls who have to be touching eachother all the time? I felt as though I was in the middle of a animal mating ritual. Guys, sitting on girls, girls with their arms around guys, putting thier hand on eachother's legs, playing with hair, cuddling...blah, blah, blah. Have we all lost respect for our bodies and eachother? How can we keep eachother accountable when we're causing eachother to SIN! Girls, we complain that guys are only after one thing...and all that crap....but we're the ones who tease them to make them want it. We need to respect ourselves, dress appropriately and not let any guy touch us whenever they feel like it. And guys, you can help keep the girls accountable, and respect your bodies aswell, did you know that every girl you touch, or kiss, is someone's future wife, someone's daughter, someone's sister. Think about it, do you want your future wife to be mauled by a bunch of other guys. I don't think so, so why do you maul someone elses wife? The same goes for girls.....we are all human, and we all stumble, but I jsut think that we can help eachother with it.

I know this was a bunch of mumble jumble, and might not made a whole lot of sense but i hope you get something out of it.

Just respect the body God gave you, remember that it is a temple of the Lord!

Materiality

Well, I've come to the conclusion that I have a problem with materiality. But the first thing to overcoming a problem is admitting you have one right? Ok, well I tend to spend most of the money I make on things that shouldn't really matter instead of saving my money for school, tithing etc...

This is very personal and is hard to admit, but I figured that posting it on my blog with help with accountabliltiy.

So, I'm not really sure why but I have this obsession with clothes, and it's not jsut any clothes...usually name brand clothes. For those of you who know me you knwo it's impossible for me to go into Roots without buying something, or American Eagle for that matter. And Lately because I work at Jacob Connexion, and have to wear thier clothes for work...now most of my money goes there. I'm not really sure what started this or how it got so out of control. I've thought about, you know, giving some of my clothes away, or selling, but I jsut can't do it. Like if I get rid of some of it, that will jsut give me reason to go buy more. Ahhh It's so frustrating. I've depended on clothes and other material things to make me happy, but let me jsut tell you that it doesn't work! I've been praying alot about this and asking God to help me be wise with my money. I just ask for your prayers aswell. I don't knwo if anyone else struggles with anythign similar, I'd love to chat about it:)


Blessings,